I was reading a post that Den made on the WW boards yesterday, and it was incredibly thought provoking. Now its time I need to admit that I have not been honest with myself. I've focused on the day-to-day steps for getting my eating under control but its been a while since I explored my emotions on the topic and how they effect me.
My self worth is not all that high at the best of times, and I thought this would change as I lost weight. I think its time to admit that I need to actively work on this aspect and not expect it to miraculously appear when I get to a certain number on the scales.
I wrote about self-love in my last post, and I still do believe I love myself. More than I used to, that is a given. However, I think I don't LIKE myself a lot of the time. And I also feel I shove these thoughts away when they occur because I dont want to examine them too closely.
Now, this isnt going to be a self-pity post, not by any stretch. But I've been hiding my true feelings from myself, and from you all for a long time and I suppose its time I get them out there - for self therapy if nothing else. Perhaps writing the words will make me have to confront them.
It all surfaced on Friday at work in a round-about way. I work with 4 men in a very relaxed office atmosphere. One day a week I work from home to be with Luke and the other 4 days I'm in this office. On Friday it was particularly quiet so about 10am I decided that I would work from home the rest of the day to get some housework done in between reading emails rather than pointlessly surfing the internet.
So I packed up my gear, said "not that anyone cares, but I'm going to work from home for the rest of the day" and started to leave.
One of the guys got REALLY shitty at me. Really shitty. Not about me leaving, but about the term "not that anyone cares". Now, I should add in at this point that I should have said "not that anyone minds", because that was the message I was meaning to get across. According to this guy, my choice of words was almost confrontational, poorly communicated and incited anger within him.
I was taken aback.
After getting chewed at for a minute I told him that if he had any issues he would like to discuss, please feel free to do so as I was sensing hostility. He invites me into his office and we had a discussion.
After I clarified what I meant with my comment he chilled out. He then went on to say that it was quite apparent to him that I had low self worth. I would slip in and out of the office without really greeting or fare welling anyone, and I kept to myself and didn't really engage.
When he put it like that, I could see how mis-perceptions can occur.
I am naturally shy. I dont like drawing attention to myself. Saying Good Morning or Catch Ya Later is something I thought I did far more than I apparently do. If people are busy in conversation I am hardly going to interrupt them just to say Bye. Also, I am the only female there and quite new to this office and these guys have all been working together for years. I have been trying to be careful not to upset the balance or change the dynamics by encroaching on their territory.
Anyway, I explained myself, he explained himself and we parted as friends.
It gave me a lot of pause for thought though. I do blend in to the background. In fact, I actively go out of my way to do so. If I make a mistake I find I almost expect myself to have done so. I take criticism on board because I want to change to fit in (or at least not stick out). I could list a million things that I put myself at the mercy of emotionally where I mold to the shape that others want me to be (with the exception of my personal relationships - I've always been very strong there).
Its quite confronting when I think about it. If I had to list my faults, they would include Lazy, Stubborn, Uptight, Impatient, Withdrawn, Cup Half Empty etc, etc. I expect people to dislike me when they first meet me. Or at the very least be indifferent towards me. So I tend to fold in on myself in new situations because if they arent going to like me anyway, what is the point of being extrovert and embarrassing myself?
Yet on the other hand there are parts of me that I do like. I like that I am stubborn because that gives me fight to never give up and admit defeat. I am a good friend to the people I let in, and i am an excellent mother. I am loyal and do not bitch about people behind their backs. I am supportive of those I love.
So how can I change my internal programming from assuming that I will stuff up or that people wont like me? How do I learn to have faith in my own abilities? How to I change the parts of my personality that I dont like, rather than what other people dont like?
I dont know. But all I can do is try.
So here is my commitment to myself. I am going to actively start working on my inner self, as well as my outer self. I am going to learn to accept myself, become more positive, and learn to be my own best friend.
I'm scared. But I'm stubborn :)
New person inside and out, and an improvement in all respects. Wish me luck.
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